Striving to realise the goal of the superhuman, overcoming all weaknesses, the pinnacle of achievement.

There are those who are sceptical of science. And there are those of us who are pleased by the results of science, longer life, better health and greater happiness. And there are those of us that science seeks to destroy on its unrelenting path of progress.

In the face of this tornado of melodrama (and hyperbole) it is the duty, dare I say, the God given duty, of all of us to be willing to contribute.

To this end Le Sportif stepped up and was counted, well, measured anyway.

Bearing in mind the strict confidentiality of this test it is impossible for Le Sportif to reveal details, but rather it is our responsibility to recount the experience as far as possible.

Attending a human test lab in one of Britain’s foremost learning establishments, participants were confronted by the beast that you see here. Of particular note is the ‘bike’ itself, as evidently pre-loved by Team Telekom. It is clear at this point that the puny output of Le Sportif (one and all) would barely register in the memory of a machine that has seen such enhanced capabilities as offered by the mighty Vino, Ullrich, Zabel, and Aldag.

Powering this beast is in no way similar to a turbo trainer or rollers, equipped, as it is, with a fly wheel with the gravitational pull of a small planet. The domination that the gear requires buckles the mind and the knees, and in the correct hands, those delicate hands of science, this is merely the outset of pain and suffering. Of the seven deadly sins pride is the worst, particularly under these conditions. Only pride forces you on as you watch the metres click past with a derisory wattage and speed.

The room temperature is steady and uncomfortably warm, with some type of techno fan puffing warm air into your sweat drenched face. The drip becomes a trickle, the trickle forms a puddle and the puddle instils the fear of death by dehydration. Sucking water in, results in more water pumping out, surely this imbalance is unsustainable?

Then the mind wanders. Through the closed window and out into the sunshine, the bare branched trees, the birds, the small oblong of the outside world, entirely irrelevant to your pain and suffering. Thoughts of diet, dinner, weakness, distraction, what’s on the telly? Will my parking ticket expire before I do? Will I ever ride again? What’s the weather going to be like this weekend? Should I think about getting a new bike? How did I get involved with this nonsense? Like, loves and the universe swirling in a mad malaise. How the hell have I only gone 800 metres, and they’re not even real metres…

God help me to overcome science! And, in the fullness of time, He does.

Now that my sacrifice is made, can I just say, I damn well hope it was worth it!

Images in this article